Horrid Little Girl

A few years ago my cousin got married.  It was such a bizarre situation.  She seemed to desperately want a perfect, traditional wedding and was a little demanding about things.  But at the same time she took almost no part in the planning of the wedding.  We’re not very close so it wasn’t a situation where I could easily talk some sense into her.

Her mother picked everything out, and she asked my sister to make her invitations for her.  I helped my sister make the invitations and they actually turned out pretty cool.  We attached the invitation to a darkish card stock with tiny metal fasteners so it looked sort of industrial but still elegant. (The invitations, while cool, matched absolutely nothing else in the wedding, but I guess that’s what happens when you have no theme and don’t even pick out your colors until right before the wedding). 

Anyway, I was looking around for something else and stumbled upon this conversation I had with my sister that I saved for some reason.  It’s a very typical conversation and it makes me smile a little.

 S:  what are you doing tomorrow?
T:  At which time?
S:  all day
T:  different things throughout
T:  whyfor?
S:  invitations
T:  Huh?
T:  Speak clearly woman
S:  angela’s wedding
T:  You want me to….what?
S:  HELP ME
T:  Pick them up, make them, what the f?????
S:  i want you to help me tomorrow put the invitations together
T:  was that so hard to say?
T:  are you taking off?
S:  f you
S:  you are a hoor
T:  And why are you doing them anyway?  Is she helping you?
S:  NO
T:  Thats fed up
S:  thats why i’m asking oyu
S:  slut
T:  I said ok.  But when?
S:  i dont know
T:  When is your party?
S:  6
S:  i am taking the day off
T:  Wait, you just want me to offer to do them all dont you?
S:  NO
T:  Thats what this is about
T:  can we do them early?
T:  How about we start tonight?
S:  yes
S:  sure
T:  Do you know what to do?
T:  Where the little tissues go and all that bs?
T:  dO YOU HAVE ADDRESSES?
S:  no
T:  oops
T:  Do you have a cool calligraphy pen or something?
T:  I have a blue sparkly pen, we can use that
S:  are you f-ing kidding me?
S:  i have nothing
S:  i am not crafty
T:  She’s crafty, she gets around
T:  shes crafty, shes always down
T:  Do you at least have addresses?
S:  no
T:  A guest list?
S:  they will have to do that
S:  i will ask A.
T:  So what are you exactly supposed to do and by exactly I mean every little thing
T:  ?
S:  i have to print them – jen’s sister gave me a really good idea to dress them up a little b/c they are just plain white
S:  so we have to do some glueing and poking holes and tying ribbons
T:  F you
S:  then we’ll stuff them and hand them off
T:  can you email it to me si I can see it?
T:  so
T:  That ribbon thing is so last decade
S:  email what? all i have is the words right now
S:  what suggestions do you have whore?
T:  Jesus H Christ
T:  Youre just printing it in word or something?
T:  ????
S:  yes
S:  c
S:  u
S:  n
S:  t
T:  What kind of paper? TYPING PAPER!!!!!!
S:  no – i am going to hollo’s soon to get some paper
S:  to glue it on
S:  i will print everything on that paper and bring everything else over
T  No.  STOP.
T:  Are you off today?
S:  no, tomorrow
T:  Does she have any input whatsoever in what she wants them to look like?
S:  nope
T:  Does she have envelopes yet?
S:  nothing
S:  nada
S:  yes
S:  white
T:  How big are they?
S:  greeting card size
T:  What?
S:  what
T:  Mother fer/
T:  I’m havign a nervous breakdown.
S:  me too
T:  Does she know THIS IS A WEDDING?
S:  nope
T:  How many invitations?
S:  5 x 7
S:  not sure
T:  Is there a return envelope going inside?  For RSVP?
S:  nope
S:  rsvp to aunt I’s house
T:  How many did they tell you to print?
S:  they didnt
T:  AAAARGHHHHHHHHHH
T:  Did she pick out colors yet?
S:  i’m thinking a 100 or so
S:  nope
S:  my dress is gold – however, marla doesnt have one yet, so it might change
S:  there is one left in the counrty and i dont know if it fits
T:  You have a dress?
S:  yes
T:  What happened to red?
S:  they changed it
T:  YOU HAVE TO PUT THE FING CHURCH ADDRESS IN THE INVITATION!!!!!!
S:  they found dresses that fit everyone but marla, there was one in chicago that they were sending i think to see if it fits
S:  i have the chuch address on the map
T:  AND THE HALL
S:  the invitations that i looked up didnt have the street address on them
T:  What color flowers?
S:  they dont know yet
S:  i made that invitation
T:  I have to go lay down
S:  angela only sent me the 1st couple lines, in word, i did everything else
S:  she didnt have the church or the hall on it
S:  nothing
S:  nada
S:  nope
S:  so should i go get some paper or what?
T:  OK OK, you did a very nice job.
T:  Dont do anything yet.
T:  I need to look online at invitations and come up with a plan.
T:  I will get back to you later today.
S:  hurry, because i have to print at work
T:  Is that ok?
T:  Why do you have to print at work?

S:  where else am i going to print?
T:  You dont have a printer at home?
S:  i dont have ink and its not as high quality as work
T:  OK.  Can you give me a few hours?
S:  plus i need time to go to brunswick if need be and make it back here and print
T:  One hour?
S:  sure
T:  ok

In class I get extremely bored.  So bored that I fill pages and pages with doodles, lists, notes to friends, and anything else I can think of that is unrelated to the subject.  If my teachers just gave me lots of work the whole class time, I would be fine.  But instead they’d rather let discussions happen.  I’m not quite sure why I’m paying lots of money to get lectured by my classmates, but as long as I get that degree I guess I don’t care too much. 

My classmates are not intelligent.  I don’t claim to Super Mensawoman or anything, but at least I keep my mouth shut.  The only thing worse than a dumbfuck is a dumbfuck who likes the sound of his or her own voice.  So I constantly hear or read things like this:

“They might not be privy to tell you”  (I think he meant ‘apt’ instead of ‘privy’)

“subtle” (with no silent ‘B’.  Seriously)

“Behooves” instead of “belittles”

“Poignant” instead of “pertinent”

“Simultaneously” instead of “interchangeably”

“uprage” (combination of uproar and outraged)

“dynamix” instead of “dymanic”

“libary”

“instrincic” instead of “intrinsic”

“white ethnic”

“imbredded”

“confucianistic”

There’s also repeated use of:

“things like that”

“piggybacking”

“bring it to the table”

“from your side of the table”

“long story short”  Four times in two paragraphs.  WTF do you need to say that you are making a long story short when what you mean is “oh I’m starting to ramble, let me get back to my point”?

And my teacher isn’t the most eloquent puppy in the pound.  She says “you know” more than a 16 yr old and she fades at the end of each sentence.  Every sentence she utters ends in …

One more year.  Almost done.  I can do it.