Horrid Little Girl

A few years ago my cousin got married.  It was such a bizarre situation.  She seemed to desperately want a perfect, traditional wedding and was a little demanding about things.  But at the same time she took almost no part in the planning of the wedding.  We’re not very close so it wasn’t a situation where I could easily talk some sense into her.

Her mother picked everything out, and she asked my sister to make her invitations for her.  I helped my sister make the invitations and they actually turned out pretty cool.  We attached the invitation to a darkish card stock with tiny metal fasteners so it looked sort of industrial but still elegant. (The invitations, while cool, matched absolutely nothing else in the wedding, but I guess that’s what happens when you have no theme and don’t even pick out your colors until right before the wedding). 

Anyway, I was looking around for something else and stumbled upon this conversation I had with my sister that I saved for some reason.  It’s a very typical conversation and it makes me smile a little.

 S:  what are you doing tomorrow?
T:  At which time?
S:  all day
T:  different things throughout
T:  whyfor?
S:  invitations
T:  Huh?
T:  Speak clearly woman
S:  angela’s wedding
T:  You want me to….what?
S:  HELP ME
T:  Pick them up, make them, what the f?????
S:  i want you to help me tomorrow put the invitations together
T:  was that so hard to say?
T:  are you taking off?
S:  f you
S:  you are a hoor
T:  And why are you doing them anyway?  Is she helping you?
S:  NO
T:  Thats fed up
S:  thats why i’m asking oyu
S:  slut
T:  I said ok.  But when?
S:  i dont know
T:  When is your party?
S:  6
S:  i am taking the day off
T:  Wait, you just want me to offer to do them all dont you?
S:  NO
T:  Thats what this is about
T:  can we do them early?
T:  How about we start tonight?
S:  yes
S:  sure
T:  Do you know what to do?
T:  Where the little tissues go and all that bs?
T:  dO YOU HAVE ADDRESSES?
S:  no
T:  oops
T:  Do you have a cool calligraphy pen or something?
T:  I have a blue sparkly pen, we can use that
S:  are you f-ing kidding me?
S:  i have nothing
S:  i am not crafty
T:  She’s crafty, she gets around
T:  shes crafty, shes always down
T:  Do you at least have addresses?
S:  no
T:  A guest list?
S:  they will have to do that
S:  i will ask A.
T:  So what are you exactly supposed to do and by exactly I mean every little thing
T:  ?
S:  i have to print them – jen’s sister gave me a really good idea to dress them up a little b/c they are just plain white
S:  so we have to do some glueing and poking holes and tying ribbons
T:  F you
S:  then we’ll stuff them and hand them off
T:  can you email it to me si I can see it?
T:  so
T:  That ribbon thing is so last decade
S:  email what? all i have is the words right now
S:  what suggestions do you have whore?
T:  Jesus H Christ
T:  Youre just printing it in word or something?
T:  ????
S:  yes
S:  c
S:  u
S:  n
S:  t
T:  What kind of paper? TYPING PAPER!!!!!!
S:  no – i am going to hollo’s soon to get some paper
S:  to glue it on
S:  i will print everything on that paper and bring everything else over
T  No.  STOP.
T:  Are you off today?
S:  no, tomorrow
T:  Does she have any input whatsoever in what she wants them to look like?
S:  nope
T:  Does she have envelopes yet?
S:  nothing
S:  nada
S:  yes
S:  white
T:  How big are they?
S:  greeting card size
T:  What?
S:  what
T:  Mother fer/
T:  I’m havign a nervous breakdown.
S:  me too
T:  Does she know THIS IS A WEDDING?
S:  nope
T:  How many invitations?
S:  5 x 7
S:  not sure
T:  Is there a return envelope going inside?  For RSVP?
S:  nope
S:  rsvp to aunt I’s house
T:  How many did they tell you to print?
S:  they didnt
T:  AAAARGHHHHHHHHHH
T:  Did she pick out colors yet?
S:  i’m thinking a 100 or so
S:  nope
S:  my dress is gold – however, marla doesnt have one yet, so it might change
S:  there is one left in the counrty and i dont know if it fits
T:  You have a dress?
S:  yes
T:  What happened to red?
S:  they changed it
T:  YOU HAVE TO PUT THE FING CHURCH ADDRESS IN THE INVITATION!!!!!!
S:  they found dresses that fit everyone but marla, there was one in chicago that they were sending i think to see if it fits
S:  i have the chuch address on the map
T:  AND THE HALL
S:  the invitations that i looked up didnt have the street address on them
T:  What color flowers?
S:  they dont know yet
S:  i made that invitation
T:  I have to go lay down
S:  angela only sent me the 1st couple lines, in word, i did everything else
S:  she didnt have the church or the hall on it
S:  nothing
S:  nada
S:  nope
S:  so should i go get some paper or what?
T:  OK OK, you did a very nice job.
T:  Dont do anything yet.
T:  I need to look online at invitations and come up with a plan.
T:  I will get back to you later today.
S:  hurry, because i have to print at work
T:  Is that ok?
T:  Why do you have to print at work?

S:  where else am i going to print?
T:  You dont have a printer at home?
S:  i dont have ink and its not as high quality as work
T:  OK.  Can you give me a few hours?
S:  plus i need time to go to brunswick if need be and make it back here and print
T:  One hour?
S:  sure
T:  ok